The battle has begun. 11 contestants have entered the ultimate game of Russian roulette. 10 of them will win. One of them will lose, and have to spend a year bug-testing PlayStation games.
The first episode of Sony’s The Tester, a reality show only available through the PlayStation Network downloads store, went live last week. The premise is simple: 11 gamers will put themselves through all sorts of humiliations at the hands of their cruelly whimsical masters at Sony, and at the end of it all, one of them will get a one-year contract gig doing quality assurance.
We’ve already seen much of what is to transpire on the amazing trailer released earlier this month, making it very clear that we are in for a ridiculous and painful eight weeks. For those of you who just can’t bring yourself to watch 22 minutes of this every week, and for those of you who can but need to commiserate, we are here for you.
For a reality show without a snarky recap blog is no reality show at all.
Our journey begins with our 11 prisoners shoved into a black van with tinted windows, being hurried away to an undisclosed “black site” not unlike those of the defunct CIA interrogation programs. (Week 6 is the waterboarding episode.) “Star” (nobody gets to use their real names) informs us that these other jokers are not going to know what hit them, because she is the top-ranked female Guitar Hero player in the entire known universe.
Host Meredith Molinari, having had too much coffee, puts both hands up, both hands down, does the Hokey Pokey and shakes it all around as she welcomes the gamers to PlayStation Paradise. She invites them to explore their new home, which has been generously stocked with what appear to be at least four, maybe even five PlayStation 3 game discs. A PS1 has been glued to the wall.
The gamers meet and greet in the living room, exchanging aliases and hometowns. Gamer girl Luge is from Brooklyn, New Yawk. “I’m so excited!” says rival gamer girl Amped. “I was hoping people would have accents here!”
Meanwhile, not doing much talking, but shown skulking around silently is… theater technician and Shakespearean scholar, Barmy.
Barmy, dressed in a maroon shirt, tie, and vest, decides that his “strategy” will be to not talk to any of the other contestants, but rather to sit back and “watch how they all interact” then use this vital information against them at a later date. You get the general sense that Barmy is a little balmy. We’ll see how this plays out.
“I’m actually an artist. I do musics,” says Nauseous (Penny Arcade’s predicted winner). Sadly, ever the sensitive artist, he refrains from giving the elaborate autobiography he would later post on Twitter.
Doc then decides to totally out Star, the pro gamer, and tell the entire room that he recognizes her from the, I don’t know, Guitar Hero fanzines. But they don’t have much time to ask Star for any expert hammer-on tips, because a message comes in on the PlayStation 3 and Barmy, clearly pulling his weight, reads it out loud with Shakespearean enunciation. If you didn’t already like him, you’re warming up to him now.
The crew heads onto a rejected set from Saw VII, consisting of an elaborate torture sequence involving a dentist’s chair and Hal Sparks. Yes, there are two other judges from Sony, but contestant Fame Girl makes it clear that there is only one judge in her heart, waxing poetic about her love for the former Talk Soup host.
Sparks gives the contestants some concise words of wisdom to live by: 9/11 was an inside job. No, wait, sorry. What he actually says to them, and writes on a helpful piece of notebook paper, is “Don’t Suck.” So far, this show has not taken Sparks’ advice.
Molinari gives everybody the lowdown: For their first challenge, the group will be playing Spot The Difference. No, really: Everybody’s going to sit in the Dentist Chair From Heck and find errors in photographs. This, says MM, will help the judges determine who has the “critical eye” necessary to be… The Tester.
At this point, you should be wondering if the next 10 minutes of this show are honest to God going to be about watching 11 different people individually look at photographs of parrots and elevator buttons. You are right. I will spare you the rundown of each individual contestant’s attempt, even though The Tester did not spare me a single agonizing second of it.
The contestants hang out in the lobby afterwards, talk about how badly they all did, and Barmy shouts out, apropos of nothing, “We who are about to die, salute you!” Yep, he’s gold. MM bounces off her trampoline back into the room and tells everybody to get into the Tester Lab to face the panel.
In front of the Death Panel, Mer explains that the laminated badges that everyone is wearing represent their life in the competition, and that when these are removed, their dreams of performing drudgery in the service of Sony are over. The panel of judges wastes absolutely no time ripping savagely into the contestants. Hal Sparks tells Doc, who cracked a few jokes during the Spot The Difference marathon and made it slightly entertaining, that he should be serious.
“There’s a time for jokes, and a time to be serious,” concurs one of the Sony judges, and I agree with that, but somehow I don’t think that When You’re On a Terrible Reality Show is one of the times that calls for “serious.”
So in case you’re keeping score, the judges have already decided to crack down on one of the contestants for having the audacity to attempt to be not boring. This policy should work out just great.
“The three lowest scores,” says Hal, “and those who are probably in the most danger of going home tonight, are Barmy, Fame Girl, and Roni.” OH GOD NO. It’s only been one episode and Barmy is “probably” on the chopping block. The judges toss him a softball, and ask, if he had to do it all over again, is there anything he’d do differently?
It’s go time, Barmy. You’re a champ. Time to lay it all on the line and save your ass, and this show. Tell ‘em.
“I’m sure I would. I… don’t know… right now what I would. But I’ll… that’s just it, I would think about exactly… how… what did I have the most problems with, and I think it was that I was taking too much time hunting for each final bug, so… I just… Oh, and I’ll say this: Parrots are zygodactyl! Two toes forward, two toes backward!”
The preceding was verbatim.
At this point, I now know that Barmy is the absolute best possible contestant on this show, and its only hope. I also know that he is screwed. Hal Sparks compares Barmy’s mannerisms to those of Jeffrey Dahmer. Not particularly encouraging.
The judges send Roni home as the first Tester in exile. A ray of hope! But then Barmy is kicked out next. Ridiculous. He is on the verge of tears in his exit interview, saying that at least he will go home to see his children, Persephone and Alistair.
Alas, poor Barmy. Good night, sweet prince. Taken from us so soon.
Having booted the most entertaining contestant on the show and let the second most entertaining contestant know that his number is up, the Tester judges are doing their level best to crush our spirits. A teaser for the next episode indicates that the contestants will soon roll around in massive hamster balls. What dreams may come?
Images: Wired.com
Read More http://www.wired.com/gamelife/2010/02/the-tester/#more-21272#ixzz0gMS2M6s9
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